...visa?! letter of endorsement!?! Registering with the police!?!?!

Ok, so I couldn't sleep and started going through whole bunch of materials the commission sent me that I (regrettably) never read. Shoot me. It was in German so while I can read it its not nearly as fast (though probably still faster than the average American reads in English). I finally wrote to the school I was working with, something I should have done in July. I told them my dad was diagnosed with cancer so July was a pretty terrible month and that I was sorry. Still I'm having major paranoia issues about it.

So sometime before my birthday I had received an email from C.P. (Haverford prof, German/Film, moved to Canada, don't want him googling his name and finding this) that regarded my fulbright application or graduate school application or something. Point is the man was pretty unreliable. Shit maybe it wasn't my birthday, it may have been early fall. It was one of the times in the first semester that Justin was visiting. Anyway, continuing.

I had sent multiple emails to to C.P. with no response. Finally the message came in but I was struck by this bout of paranoia and couldn't open it. I knew what was said was said and C.P.'s opinion of me had already been altered by whatever message I had sent. But the drawn out delay had made me paranoid. I couldn't open the email. I think it sat there fore a week or two until at some point during Justin's visit I admitted to him that I had a slight problem with emails sometimes. I didn't want to read the comment someone had made if the result was possibly negative. The longer it sits in my inbox the more afraid I become of said message. Justin admitted to a slightly similar problem, though apparently when something like this happens he doesn't check his email _at all_ whereas I go about my business with other emails but freak the fuck out with that particular message. Anyway, I ended up opening it while sitting on Justin's lap in case I spontainously burst into flames he could smother me and put out the fire.

Anyway, in that case the news was good and I actually didn't have a similar problem with emails for a long time, I can't remember an incidence between then and now.

I think my not sending this email to my school until now was a similar situation. I know I fucked up not sending it sooner. But I also know that it probably really wasn't about the message at all. I mean, I feel like a jackass leaving the country while my dad has cancer. My brother is going off to college and he sleeps all day anyway and isn't much of a help. Since my dad has been diagnosed and started chemo I've taken over quite a few of his tasks and now I feel like I'm abandoning the family. I guess I felt like if I didn't talk to anyone at the school I could still pull out. But I leave in less than a week. It's go time and Justin's lap isn't coming with me to Germany. (if I could I'd take the rest of him as well)

Also, I just spent some time looking at my thighs. I haven't weighed myself in like 2 months but judging by how my pants fit and how my legs look I might have dipped under 130 again. I mean high 120's isn't unreasonable for my height, but I've been doing 0 exercise lately. Where is all of me going?