Am I somehow broken?

I've been asking myself this question for a couple of days now. When I see the media coverage of the primaries I feel so defensive about my continued support of Hillary Clinton. Everyone who is saying that the Clinton tactics are ruining the race and things along those lines just upset me so much. But the thing is, logically, I know they're sort of right. But nothing they have done has made me once feel like I voted for the wrong candidate. I used to believe that the president should inspire and put good people into place who could handle the government. That the president should be able to give good speeches and inspire the nation. I really really used to believe that. But now, Obama is like, the embodiment of the candidate I believed in four years ago when the closest approximation was Howard Dean (who I voted for the the 2004 primary.) Obama is not Dean, I'm not saying that. He's far more inspirational than that. But not once have I wanted to vote for Obama in the primary, even though I know I should have.

It's a very complicated thing to explain. Maybe, I considered, it's because I'm a woman an I identify with her, but I think it's more complicated than that. But it's partially that, I'm sure. But most women, I think aren't as strongly attached to Hillary Clinton as I seem to be.

Then, this morning, I went to Chicagoist and there was this picture. It's from 2001 btw. And I had a really strong emotional reaction to it. Ok, first off, it's a really super cute picture. The filename of it, in fact is "isitokthatithinkthispictureisreallycute.jpg" Ok, but how do I explain *why* I had such a strong emotional reaction to it? After following the source link to HC's website and looking at the other 'family album' photos, there were two other pictures in the set I felt really drawn to. One from Bill and Hillary's wedding, and a photo of her graduating class at Wellesley. (which now that I double check, is in a different album but whatever)

So, ok I went to a women's college too so that's part of the appeal as well.

But I realized, I am emotionally invested in this not because Hillary Clinton is a woman, but because this woman is Hillary Clinton.

I want to be that successful. I'm the type who will do anything to get what I want even if it ultimately makes people dislike me, though I always worry I'm not likable after the fact. I'm the type who will totally engross myself in a topic and want to know everything about it and really want to be totally on top of things. She's so smart and I think that gets in the way of her ability to be 'likable.' I'm the type that would rather have people hate me for my strong opinions than be indifferent because I said nothing. I look at Hillary Clinton and see a prototype of who I could be.

(I'm also far too forgiving of those I've dated/am dating)

I want to have everything, the education, the career, the power, the husband, the family. But I'm also not expecting everything to be perfect. I don't see why I can't be assertive and independent sometimes and rely on someone else at others.

I'm not being particularly eloquent.

I may be one of the few people whose heart says Clinton while my head says Obama.

When I look at Hillary Clinton, she inspires me to be more than who I am now.

Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because of the kind of woman I am.

So of course, right after I post about BJB

Saw him again today. Seriously, I see this guy more often than my roommates. For the sake of convenience, I have now made a map to keep track of the Bicycling Junkie, as he is easily one of the more colorful characters I've encountered living here


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What? A post actually about Germany?

Ok, so about two months ago, when I was still going back and forth from the visa office trying to confirm I could stay in the country, a youngish Turkish man on a bicycle asked me for change to make a phone call. He was on a bike as well and I was waiting for the light to change to cross the street. Being that I'm a nice person, and that if I were ever in a position where I ran out of change and needed to make a phone call, I would want someone to give me a coin, I gave him 50 cents. He thanked me and biked away.

So then, maybe the week before I went home for Christmas the same guy on the bike stops while I'm walking from the school I work at to the main train station to get something to eat. At first, because I wasn't paying much attention, I thought he had recognized me and was thanking me for the change I had given him before. But no, he hadn't and proceeded to ask if I had a 20 cent piece because he needed to go to the locksmith to have a new key made because he had locked himself out of his apartment. I proceeded to pretend I didn't speak German. He kept yelling "Schüsseldienst!" at me and I just smiled dumbly until he biked off.

Finally, last week I see the same guy again, coming under the bridge by the main train station, singing "Ein Stern" at the top of his lungs. Luckily, this time he did not stop.

I've dubbed him the Bicycling Junkie of Bremen. Clearly, he spends all day riding around the streets on his bike asking for money to support some sort of drug habit. I am convinced of this.

Yes, more politics

Ok, so I was on the AC360 blog...I'm not going to lie because I'm waiting for them to release the Beat 360 photo for today because damnit, I can be clever and I want Anderson Cooper to say my name out-loud. And then I would totally make that shit my phone ring tone for all eternity.

Anyway, so there was this article by Randi Kaye about black women in SC and how they are faced with the decision if they vote their race or their gender, which is either a silly question or the question that people just don't want to talk about in those terms because we like to think the political process is at least somewhat issue driven.

But anyway, it occurred to me that I don't think this election would have been as civil as it has been if not for the fact both Hillary Clinton and Obama are running.

So, let me explain what I mean. The Democrats pride themselves on being the party of tolerance, the party that reaches out to all groups, independent of race, class, gender, sexual orientation. They are the party of social diversity, so, it only makes sense that they would run the first serious contenders who are female or black. Now, I believe Clinton and Obama want the same things for the country, but they are fundamentally different in the approaches they say they will take to achieve these goals. There is a difference between the two, so there is a decision to be made among voters. Do you prefer someone who would be very involved in the process and work to encourage people to take part, or someone who wants to be a visionary and inspire people to take part. Policy-wise, they're not terribly different. Last time I checked the main thing was Clinton believes in mandated health care coverage and Obama believes we can achieve it without a mandate.

Ok, so to continue with my point. Two similar, but not identical candidates, both from minority groups that are underrepresented in the government in general, and have never come close to the presidency (sorry Geraldine Ferraro!) But, this essentially allows Clinton and Obama to attack each other more than they would if either one of them was a white male. "But, Indira, you said that this whole situation made the primaries less vicious, how so?" Could you imagine how any comment from a white male would come across attacking either of these candidates? That white male would be labeled racist or sexist instantly, even if they were attacking on legit policy points. The media would then pick up on that and run with it for days and days. They do that now, but imagine that alternate scenario where one of them was not running. It would give the perception of a bloodier campaign than what we have now. Also, supporters of the white male would be given similar labels of being bigoted. Right now, the voters who support Clinton can be commended for voting for a woman. The voters siding with Obama, the same. Even if it splits along racial or gender lines, both sides are showing faith in candidacies that were never before possible. Whatever people's private prejudices are, you can vote for either and come away feeling like a good social liberal.

So, while the candidates have more leeway to tear each other apart, party members have less reason. I think that only in this situation, with both a woman and a black man running for the nomination, could a complete division in the Democratic party be avoided. No matter what the pundits say (and you know I love the pundits, except you, Tucker Carlson) I think that once there is a nominee, those who believe in what the Democrats stand for will rally behind the candidate. Not only because it makes them good social liberals, but because, when it comes right down to it, both are advancing messages we can believe in, hopefully not only as Democrats, but as a nation.

I just want to add something at the end here, for those who do not know about my particular political leanings. I absentee balloted already (since I'm abroad) for Hillary Clinton, but I would be more than happy to vote for Obama in November. I am the only member of my family actually registered as a Democrat, though, and mom can maybe back me up on this, we all lean to the left. While I respect my parents' and brother's decision to remain as registered independents, I do believe very strongly in the ideals of the Democratic party, even as they may falter in practice on occasion. I'm also super excited that it might be cool to call yourself a liberal again in Washington.

For all of you that miss my pretty face