Am I somehow broken?

I've been asking myself this question for a couple of days now. When I see the media coverage of the primaries I feel so defensive about my continued support of Hillary Clinton. Everyone who is saying that the Clinton tactics are ruining the race and things along those lines just upset me so much. But the thing is, logically, I know they're sort of right. But nothing they have done has made me once feel like I voted for the wrong candidate. I used to believe that the president should inspire and put good people into place who could handle the government. That the president should be able to give good speeches and inspire the nation. I really really used to believe that. But now, Obama is like, the embodiment of the candidate I believed in four years ago when the closest approximation was Howard Dean (who I voted for the the 2004 primary.) Obama is not Dean, I'm not saying that. He's far more inspirational than that. But not once have I wanted to vote for Obama in the primary, even though I know I should have.

It's a very complicated thing to explain. Maybe, I considered, it's because I'm a woman an I identify with her, but I think it's more complicated than that. But it's partially that, I'm sure. But most women, I think aren't as strongly attached to Hillary Clinton as I seem to be.

Then, this morning, I went to Chicagoist and there was this picture. It's from 2001 btw. And I had a really strong emotional reaction to it. Ok, first off, it's a really super cute picture. The filename of it, in fact is "isitokthatithinkthispictureisreallycute.jpg" Ok, but how do I explain *why* I had such a strong emotional reaction to it? After following the source link to HC's website and looking at the other 'family album' photos, there were two other pictures in the set I felt really drawn to. One from Bill and Hillary's wedding, and a photo of her graduating class at Wellesley. (which now that I double check, is in a different album but whatever)

So, ok I went to a women's college too so that's part of the appeal as well.

But I realized, I am emotionally invested in this not because Hillary Clinton is a woman, but because this woman is Hillary Clinton.

I want to be that successful. I'm the type who will do anything to get what I want even if it ultimately makes people dislike me, though I always worry I'm not likable after the fact. I'm the type who will totally engross myself in a topic and want to know everything about it and really want to be totally on top of things. She's so smart and I think that gets in the way of her ability to be 'likable.' I'm the type that would rather have people hate me for my strong opinions than be indifferent because I said nothing. I look at Hillary Clinton and see a prototype of who I could be.

(I'm also far too forgiving of those I've dated/am dating)

I want to have everything, the education, the career, the power, the husband, the family. But I'm also not expecting everything to be perfect. I don't see why I can't be assertive and independent sometimes and rely on someone else at others.

I'm not being particularly eloquent.

I may be one of the few people whose heart says Clinton while my head says Obama.

When I look at Hillary Clinton, she inspires me to be more than who I am now.

Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because of the kind of woman I am.